she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
