how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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