My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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