The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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