i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
