I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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