you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
