Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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