omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
lol hangovers are for mortals.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
