After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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