remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
