whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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