So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
