Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
