I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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