i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
