you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
