So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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