Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think your dad took our porno
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
