I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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