She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
