WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
