Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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