I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
