thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
