Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Two words: nipple clamps
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