Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No stitches, just platelets and will power
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
