Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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