They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
