clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
