At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
