I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm both gender and math confused
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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