i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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