I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
