I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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