she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
