You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
