I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
