Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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