he thought i was a dude.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
