This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
