Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
