Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
