I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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