Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
