Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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