she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
ttyl tear gas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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