Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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