i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
