She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
