I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
